Burnt out professional functional bi-polar being forced to be hospitalized and unsure why.

So I went to my PDoc and just said I was burned out and needed a break. The treatment isnt working. I had my short term disability paper work in hand. He refused to even look at it.

I had a horrible mixed episode 6 months ago... now im on the flip side for 4 months now. Its drug resistant. I am on the max dose of Lamictal and Lexapro for about 6 months and nothing changes. Ive been on every drug you can name over the past 10 years.

I still get up for work at 6 am and put on my slacks and button up shirt and earn my salary. But I look at my face as I brush my teeth every morning and just cry. Im tired and dont see a means to an end. I goto work and barely get through it and then sleep when I get home. This has been on repeat for 4 months now. Im functioning though.

I wanted to do an out patient thing and doc says this is time we go into crisis mode and you goto the hospital. I was in shock. Look ive never even thought about hurting myself. Im too much of a perfectionist to ever give up. I believe I have a certain set of standards to live to. Make good money, be handsome and handle my business. Im doing it and I am so sad. So sad. Its something im working on. But I am like no one else in that hospital.

He wrote me 3 days worth of prescriptions and told me he would only continue to be my doctor if I followed his orders. If I didnt I had 30 days to find a new pdoc. Of course the first place he told me to goto is 10 thousand dollars a week... come on. Then I went to the outpatient facility of this other hospital. The bathroom was covered in piss and shit and I was treated like crap by the nurse. I have to go back monday to see the actual doctor.

I want to be in hospital care from 9 to 3 and then go home at night for a few weeks. Which is a program that they have. I am not the person who needs to be in there over night right now. Im a burned out professional who needs to get his shit together while on short term disability so I can have a job to go back to.

The only hold up is ive decided its time for ECT. Ill be packing a bag on Monday even though I know its going to be a complete waste of time me to be there over night and actually make things worse. But if I need to, to get short term disability I will...

Im lost and just want a job to come back to. HR told me not to worry, but I have no doctor now.