getting over religious trauma while still being a Christian?
Hey there. Would love a bit of advice with this!
I (19F) was raise with extremely strict Christian parents. For context here are some examples of what they were like:
I would be punished for not going to church, even if I was sick
I had to write a bible verse in a journal every morning or I would be punished
Not being allowed to listen to secular music (or every contemporary Christian because it was “of the devil) or watch movies (regardless of if they were clean or Christian)
All of my friends had to be Christian, if my mom heard them or their parents swear I would be forbidden to hang out with them
Using God as an excuse for when they wanted me to do anything. Like “you’ll go to hell for not unloading the dishwasher cause it’s a sin to not listen to your parents”
There’s a lot more I think I blocked a lot of it out.
Anyways for my whole life I had to see my parents live and breathe Christianity while being complete hypocrites and verbally abusing me, being nasty people and only following the commands they felt served them. Like I was in constant fear of them and also God, I thought he was some menacing guy in the sky ready to send me to hell for listening to Coldplay.
My mom basically hates me and constantly told me I was demon possessed because I struggled with depression and anxiety. Of course mental health issues couldn’t be a real thing right, I must be possessed. She would try and sit outside my bedroom door chanting bible verses to free me from my demons or whatever, meanwhile I was just a sad teenaged 😭
I finally was able to move out of my parents house a few months ago and cut off contact with them (their choice, they didn’t even try to reach out to me). So ive had time to think through my beliefs on my own. I’ve always maintained a belief in God, and I’ve considered myself Christian but I have intense anxiety and panic attacks when I even think about church.
Like the memories I have with it are so bad, I can’t even read the bible without imagining my moms voice and her barring the door not letting be go to bed until she finished reading to me.
I love God and I want to connect with believers and strengthen my faith but literally every single thing related to church makes me wanna throw up. And becoming a good little Christian girl is what my parents wanted from me and the thought of pleasing those sick horrible people makes me feel ill.
Anyways, sorry if it’s a lot. I’m just so lost right now.
Thanks for reading this if you got this far, and thanks for any help 💗