Im an 18 MtF Christian, today i somewhat attempted suicide...

So...

Reason behind it all is impossible school, family and passing of important people in my life.

After a night without sleep i got drunk and decided to take some meds in hope that they will react with alcohol and kill me. I was sad and when i took them i was unsure if i really wanted to go but i just layed back waited. I listened to some prayers and thus fell asleep. Interesting thing is, and i dont know if this was just me imagining things, but before i started dreaming i saw bright comforting light, i felt comfortable and comforted.

After i woke up i felt weird. Currently i feel the safest in christian spaces... Idk what i wish to get from this post but i just feel this... thing in me telling me to post. Well i should ask, why does god allow so much pain? Im aware that this is not heaven and that this is a no-mans land, but why does my family have to hate me? Why does school have to sabotage me because of my personal stuff? And why did one person that was able to pull me trough same exact things 4 year, have to die?