I am not killing myself

3 years ago I felt a similar pain and I tried to kill myself.

I'm not doing that now.

It would be so much easier. Logically it honestly seems to make sense to me. Life has always been far more work than it is worth. Why suffer when I could just have nothing?

I'm not doing that to my mom again tho. And this time I know it can get better. I'm working on it. I'm working on being happy. I'm not there and it feels like I'll never get there. And right now it hurts so much. I feel the buzzing in my head and I want it to stop. I want to cut too. I know it stops the crushing empty feeling. But I haven't cut in months.

It feels like, intolerable. Like I'm just gonna die. Not kill myself, but my brain will just break because it can't handle it anymore. The feeling is so strong and feels so inescapable.

But I am not killing myself, tonight or any other night. I am not cutting myself, tonight or any other night.

Life sucks but its all I'll ever get. I wish I was born with a functioning brain, but I wasn't. Oh well.

edit: thanks for the kind words everyone! I feel like I can't pick who to respond to because I appreciate all of them, so - thanks guys! and FYI I have read every comment. Sucks to hear a lot of you have been through this. But I like I'm getting responses from all ends of the journey, comments of "I wish I could feel that optimistic" to "I feel like im in the same place as you" and finally those saying "I used to be like that". And to me that really shows it does get better. There is a light at the end of the darkness. Each step you take in dark brings you closer to the light, even when it's too far away to see. So just keep walking. I can see the light now when I couldn't before. If you don't see it now, you will. And eventually one day you and I will walk out of the darkness.