My boyfriend has officially made me uncomfortable

For context, I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (27M) for a little over three months. The reason I say “officially” is because he’s been nothing but respectful and understanding, but I’ve felt distant from him for a while. I figured it was just the literal (2hrs) distance between us at first — I’m a homebody, so my mind was making up excuses for me to dread traveling to him when it was my turn (‘he can be negative,’ ‘he doesn’t make me laugh,’ ‘he smokes too much,’ etc etc — no red flags, just things I don’t like (and there will NEVER be a perfect person, no matter who I’m with, I’ll dislike something)). Then I get with him and remember that we have a lot in common (we share a lot of very niche interests) and that’s he’s more respectful than I could ever hope for! I do get bored, but we don’t have much choice but to spend at least a whole day together if we don’t want to make a 4hr round trip within less than a few hours, so there are bound to be lulls.

I’ve talked to some family and friends about it and they all agree that I should stick it out for at least a bit longer, citing the reasons I’ve cited here. How likely is it that I’ll find another person I find very attractive who also listens to the same music, reads the same comics, and has strong opinions on red shirt Shaggy? And he’s objectively been a good guy! A good guy who’s aware of his faults, has been a completely open book (almost to a fault), and is in therapy to address it all and ensure he doesn’t fall back into old habits.

Our relationship has been pretty typical for three months. There have been moments where I thought he was moving a bit fast, but nothing that really stood out or did anything more than annoy me just a bit. The only thing that hasn’t been fast (or possibly typical?) is our sex life. For a few reasons, I’m hesitant to have sex and he’s been very respectful. Most times we make out, he’ll try to start something, but stop the second I either push his hand away or tell him I’m not ready yet. (He’s asked me who I want to initiate it when I am ready, so I know he isn’t going for it with the idea that he’s definitely gonna have sex — he’s just seeing if I’m ready.)

Fast forward (or rewind, I suppose) to New Year’s Eve. I think there was something unspoken between the both of us that that would be a great night to start… but, last minute, I decided I still wasn’t quite ready. (Hell, I’ve started wondering if I fall somewhere on the ace spectrum! I was going to communicate that with him this week, then something that needed prioritizing happened.)

Now, before I decided that for sure, he made a move right after he dabbed (again… smokes a lot… he’s trying to cut down and recognizes it’s a problem, but I don’t know how well that’s going…) and I told him I didn’t want our first time to be when he was high. (Even though he’s told me, while sober, that anything he does high is something he would do sober, I would still feel weird having sex with him while I was sober and he was not, especially off of something as strong as a dab.) “Noted,” he said, and I noticed he didn’t even so much as take a hit from his vape for the rest of the day.

We turn on the CNN ball drop footage and start making out. He tries to make a move, I push him away. A few minutes pass, he tries to make a move, I push him away. He makes some joke (can’t remember what) and moves my hand to his dick (over his pants, of course). I am officially uncomfortable — he’s never done that — and take it away. Not long after, he does it again and makes some other joke that I couldn’t hear. Pull it away and ask him what he said, he replies, “Never mind.”

During this session, after the second time he tried to initiate something, I couldn’t stop thinking about my position. The couch is tilted back, so I had to be angled backward with the same strength I’d have if I were laying down, whereas he was on top. He’s not a big guy, but he is stronger than I am. I kept thinking “at least his roommate is a woman, she’d probably come in if he did something and I had to yell for her.” I started thinking about how I might have to drive back home at midnight. I started thinking about all the posts on this subreddit and all the stories about women who thought their boyfriends were absolutely amazing until they sexually assaulted or raped them, how I never understood how a man could seem so great then do something so heinous… and then I understood. I started thinking, “I’m now officially in danger of being raped.”

He stopped and got off and, after a few minutes, I started thinking that I had been catastrophizing (that is a real word in my heart) and being dramatic. He wasn’t cold or anything, we laughed about Anderson having to stop Andy from badmouthing the mayor on live television together, we had an innocent kiss when the ball dropped (though part of that was because we called his roommate in).

When we go to bed, he starts initiating again and I push him off. At this point, not only am I insecure about how I haven’t been able to please him (which I know is stupid to be insecure about, but I can’t help it), I’m also worried that, if I continue to stop him, he’ll eventually take it into his own hands. Alright, time to apologize (!?) and tell him I’m not sure /when/ I’ll be ready. He immediately stops and tells me I have nothing to apologize for, that he doesn’t need anything, that he’ll stop if I want him to, etc etc. I suggest that maybe he stops, just for the next date or two. Never have I felt so respected! Not only has he told me I don’t need to be sorry or ready, he’s also told me he’ll stop trying to initiate until I’m ready! He even informs me that “blue balls” are a myth that men came up with to pressure women and make them feel bad.

The following morning, I have to leave at ~11:30. We both wake up at ~10:00, and neither of us are drinkers (another uncommon thing) so we don’t have the curse of a New Years hangover, so we just talk and kiss and all that jazz. When it’s around time for me to start packing up, he asks me if I’m sure and I completely understand that it’s playful because I’m into it too! If my cat wouldn’t starve, then I would’ve gladly continued! I essentially tell him that and we stop, with him just jokingly sulking (back to his normal demeanor within a few seconds).

I stay in bed for a second to take my medication and check my phone. With no forewarning by, he hops on top of me. Again, I can tell that this is just playful and he’ll hop off the second I ask him to, if not before that. After giving him a kiss (by my own volition), I reiterate that I have to start packing up. He gets a little whiny and stays and I can feel that he’s hard. I’m once again beneath him, the guy who’s stronger than I am, and he clearly wants to keep making out. He tells me he doesn’t want me to leave “unsatisfied,” to which I kind of just… awkwardly laugh and tell him I’m satisfied. He does get off after I remind him of why I have to leave (he loves cats) and acts the way he always acts when I’m leaving or when he has to leave. A little down, but just in the sense that he wants to spend more time with me, not in the sense that I’m doing anything wrong.

I text him when I get home to let him know I got back safe and had a nice time, he texts me back that he’s glad it was a good drive and he also had a great time. He sends a few other texts over the course of the day, but I ignore them after seeing him ask about this weekend and the next, relying on the fact that he knows my phone enters sleep mode at 9pm.

Now we reach the present.

I did text him back, but conveniently ignored the one about this weekend and the next. He asked again, told me his schedule, shared what he think would be a good agenda (he can drive down here this weekend if I’m free, I can drive up next week since he probably won’t feel like traveling (he has a family event to attend the weekend after which is 7hrs away)). I haven’t responded since then because… I have realized that I’m uncomfortable now.

Everything was so out of character. The only thing he’s ever done before is make sex jokes, some of which have been genuinely funny. I think what makes it even more uncomfortable is that he was sober that entire time. I can’t even say “he says he’d do anything he does high while sober, but I doubt he would’ve done that last night if he were sober, I can tell him he officially needs to lighten up on his usage.” I would love to talk to my therapist about this and get her input, but she’s out of the office for family purposes and my next appointment isn’t until the 10th… and I can’t really wait ten days to respond to his text… but I do not want to respond to his text. Hell, I keep oscillating between “it was an isolated incident, he didn’t actually do anything, it probably won’t happen again now that you’ve told him how you feel, he was just trying to be playful in the morning and didn’t understand how it came across” and “he made you uncomfortable even after you told him how you felt, you were thinking about the possibility of sexual assault while you were with him” and “you’re being dramatic, he wouldn’t have done that” — so on and so forth.

In lieu of my therapist’s advice, and with not wanting to dump this on my friends, I was just wondering what this sub’s thoughts and advice were? I really can’t tell if I’m just being dramatic or if it’s something that’s actually worrisome. It would definitely help if anyone here actually knew him, but… ya know, to be fair, my therapist doesn’t personally know him either, nor do any of my friends (again, long distance), save for one who still doesn’t know him well enough.

I also just needed to vent.

ETA: Thank you all for your input (+ a few DMs). I was hoping to respond to comments personally, but I didn’t think this post would get the traction that it did! That said, it definitely helped with offering different POVs — both from my own and, while there does seem to be a majority consensus, from each other. To quickly address a few things I’ve seen, I actually totally forgot I even mentioned our interests being the same! However, seeing that reiterated and flipped in the context of the situation really helped my view.

I haven’t been able to talk to my therapist about this since my boyfriend and I were on good footing at all, as our last appointment was on the 20th and she went out of office on the 23rd. While I really dislike having to drive to see him, I really only started to seriously consider my long-term feelings towards him in December when his pessimism got turned up some notches and hit a wall at my sister’s birthday party (luckily I was the only one who heard what really drove me bonkers and was able to reel him in before he started spreading it to other people) (I may add that I totally understand that he was probably a little overwhelmed with all the people he didn’t know, but it’s also just been a general pattern I’ve noticed and I really didn’t want it putting a damper on my sister’s 30th). That was when it went from “yeah, when I actually get with him, I remember all the reasons I like him!” to the aforementioned dread. I mention my therapist as I, again, could not talk to a trained professional. I had to settle for my mom and sister’s input (my mom knows him better than anyone else in my life, my sister had just met him and had the more ‘modern’ viewpoint) and they reiterated that we have the same niche interests, look comfortable around each other, and don’t drink — ’you don’t have to stay together, but it may be worth trying to get together more and examining just another month or so.’

As I type that, though… I realize that, even if his intentions were innocent or confused (as some commenters have suggested — and, again, I wasn’t looking for folks to say “he’s bad,” I was looking for opinions on the situation to see if I was overreacting which I think got lost in translation for some. If you think I did, genuinely thank you for letting me know!), I can’t help my newfound discomfort. “You look comfortable around each other” — would we still? I keep thinking about this test, of sorts, that my sister provided when trying to help me figure out if my shifting feelings were about him or just about the distance: “If I told you right now that you could never see him again, would you be upset?” At the time, it was ‘yes — not mortified, but yes, especially with no closure’ and now I’m actively trying to find ways around seeing him again.

Malicious or innocent, parsing through the comments has helped me decide that it is time to break things off. Be it because he did/does want to see if he could eventually wear me down or be it because I just don’t vibe with him any more (and would now have an even harder time), it’s still time. I’ll probably wait until Friday night or Saturday so it won’t distract him from work. I do feel bad that it’ll probably seem like it’s coming out of left field, but better a surprise attack that will prevent wasted time (which I will, of course, preface with a text so he knows what’s coming) than continuing a relationship that at least one partner is no longer content or comfortable in.

(I do want to finally add that some of these comments have kind of made me flash back to when he was spilling his guts to me the first time I went to his house. He got very high so he’d lose his filter and began telling me about all these shitty things he’s done to women in the past and about how much he regrets them and how much he’s worked to change. He was crying while he was telling me, and I do believe that he meant it since he wasn’t in a clear enough headspace to put on a good show, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a pattern that could continue. He’s cheated, he’s sent nasty messages when a woman he’d been with didn’t reciprocate his feelings (so nasty that he couldn’t bring himself to tell me what he said) — he was diagnosed with Bipolar II not long after which could kind of explain bits and pieces, but… ya know, explanation, not excuse. Ironically, he and I agreed that night that sex did not always equal ‘catching feelings,’ nor was it very important to actual relationships, but… some things he’s done since then have me thinking he actually has a different view. I don’t want to stick around long enough to potentially become someone he treats the way he treated the other women. He may have genuinely changed, and I hope he did, but… ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ and reflects some potential future behavioral relapses.)