It Felt Like Healing

To My Best Friend,

There's no pretending, I still miss you deeply. I think about you daily. And, I wanted to share with you.

I had a really good date and it felt like something healed. It wasn't the connection, though real. It wasn't physical attraction, though there. It wasn't the sex, though good. It was the support directed at them by their partners. They received encouraging texts and check-ins and the pair of us sent back pictures. It was really nice.

None of that takes away the pain of losing you. It was like losing a part of myself, a quiet ache that never really fades. I still feel you in the space where you used to be. I sometimes notice the echoing silence that was left. I still catch myself reaching for you in the moments when I would have turned to you first, but I stop myself. Our connection was unique and I will never replace you. You challenged me, understood me, and loved me in ways that few ever have. That kind of depth is rare and ours was beautiful.

It's not just time, nor is it distraction. It's intentionality and support. I finally got to experience compersion directed at me by my metamores. And it showed me that critical piece that was always missing between us. My partners and theirs wanted us to be whole and happy. But I never got a piece of that from your partner.

I still hope you are healing. I still hope you are happy. I hope that you are doing things that bring you joy. And selfishly, I hope (just a little) that you miss me too. Not in a way that hurts, but in a way that reminds you of what we were, of what we meant to each other, of how much we loved each other.

I wanted to tell you, to share healing with my best friend. And yet, I can't. Instead I write to a void, miss you, and hope that you are well.

Always,
Your Friend.