I miss you...

And I'm sorry, although for what, I'm not completely sure. For missing you, I guess. For needing you, but the truth is I really don't. For clinging to you, but it's not like I've ever really done that outright. Although I know I'm not discreet, so I guess there's that.

I shouldn't need to be sorry for my feelings. But I am. To you, a bit, but mostly myself. I don't deserve this. I don't know what I've ever done to deserve any of this. I went to the counseling center today. My new counselor is great. And she told me, sometimes it's not the thought that we're attached to, but the feelings that come with them. And that really struck me.

I don't REALLY think that everyone hates me, I KNOW you don't, but maybe I'm just addicted to the feelings of depression, loneliness, and helplessness. But at the same time, I need to move on, asap for my own sake because I don't really believe that things can improve between us right now.

It would take too much effort, on my part and yours, and you can't always fix what's been broken. I hope I get over you right away. I wish I could stop seeing you with such loving eyes. I know that's not how it works. But what I have to consider is this: if you could hurt me, so deeply and so repeatedly, without ever realizing it, then what would you do if you wanted to hurt me?

If you could have such a negative impact on my self perception, emotional regulation, and ability to cope, when our relationship is quite limited to the boundaries imposed-- imposed by you, me, this institution, society-- than how badly could you fuck me up if we had anything solid, even just that friendship that I wanted?

I know you never intended any of that. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt. Most days now, I can cope with it. But I still get frustrated. I still feel like shit. I still can't stop my mood from swinging. I love you. I hate you. I just want to talk. I never want to see you again. Do you not see what I have to deal with?

I had enough to handle with the mental illness and trauma and unstable home. I didn't need you to be there one moment and not the next. I didn't need to have these feelings for you. I didn't need you to push me away. You pushing me away is probably in my head. But is it?? I really don't know. I'll never know, because we're never going to talk about this, and it's going to keep eating at me, because I. Can't. Do. No. Communication. With you or anybody else.

And that time I heard you talking about me? You probably did have good intentions, but like... to hear the one person I admired above everyone seem so dismissive of me? Nobody ever even tried talking to me back then. It was always up to me to just show up, which I couldn't do half the time because how am I supposed to know if you really care or not? I trusted you and all, and I generally still do because I adore you, but sometimes I'm still so unsure.

But I don't need you now. I don't need anyone. I've got this shit handled, hopefully, probably, and I'm gonna keep doing me.

I guess I just wish people would either be there for me or be up front and tell me to fuck off. Break my heart. For the last time. And be done with it. So I can stop thinking and get over it.

I guess this is the price I pay for being human. Wish I could rip my heart out and tear it to shreds. I fucking hate that I still like you and I want to be near you all the time but that's not possible.

I deserve better.