I’ve never met someone who relates to the way I feel about relationships and it makes me feel crazy!

I (23F) can’t figure out my sexuality because I like the IDEA of being in a romantic relationship, but any attempts to make that happen feel so out of character for me and awkward. I want to be loved in theory, but flirting and dating makes me feel so uncomfortable. I think kissing is kind of gross and weird, but I think cuddling is nice. I’m still a virgin and I think I MIGHT want to have sex someday, but I’ve almost never had sexual thoughts about anyone I know. I’ve never looked at someone and thought, “damn, I really want to kiss you.”

I barely ever get a crush. I’ve only had one or two in my life and they’ve never been reciprocated. Maybe it’s because I purposefully seek out men who wouldn’t like me back so that I know it can’t go anywhere. I don’t understand romantic relationships at all. In my head I feel like I’d want to be married someday, but I just don’t think that is going to happen for me. I want to feel attractive, but I feel grossed out when guys comment on my looks.

I don’t have much of a sex drive but I like to masturbate before bed for comfort and to help me fall sleep. Sex feels like something that is too personal to share with anyone else. It feels like it would be too complicated and not worth it to attempt to share that part of myself with anyone else. Yesterday I went on a date with a guy from a dating app for the first time (my therapist suggested I do this in order to confront my anxiety around dating), and I just didn’t feel like myself. I felt like I was cosplaying as a girl who goes on dates. Someday I think it would be cute to have a best friend who is good looking, strong, funny, and protective. But it seems like I’m not actually capable of a relationship like that. I don’t know if I’m capable of falling in love. It’s difficult to explain and so far I’ve never met anyone who can relate to the way I feel about relationships. I feel like a freak.