i am sad

I’ve been sad for as long as I could remember, I’ve carried this heavy feeling on my chest. It’s a mix of a lot of things, mostly repressed emotions that I’ve had to keep hidden since I was a child. I’ve had a lot of trauma due to the environment I grew up in. it’s funny because my parents are the cause of this trauma but I still find so much endearment and love for them, and that makes the pain even worse. i cry so easily too, it’s annoying at this point because once I start I can’t stop, it’s like I’m a bottomless well of tears. I’m not even joking, I can cry for eternity. I don’t know what do about it. Existing is hard enough and getting up everyday to work a job just to keep a roof over my head is an everyday battle, everyday feels like playing a very unfun game of staying alive. But you wanna know what’s so odd? that while I feel this way, some weird part of me has so much hope for the future, like I’m bound to be okay. Maybe it’s mania, maybe it’s fate but for right now, I am not okay.