Should I go to thanksgiving with my in laws?

So over this summer I got into it with my in laws. Pretty much I had to have surgery and stay with my MIL for two weeks because I couldn’t lift over 10lbs and my youngest weighed 35 at the time. I couldn’t take care of him. She was acting strange and we thought there could be something wrong. Talked to the family about it and my SIL went INSANE on me. I will post my original post from the summer below for the full story…

Well I’ve been around my MIL a few times and it’s been ok, but I have distanced myself A LOT. Idk if my SIL told her about all of this. But, my SIL lives out of state and only comes up for holidays. After the way she treated me I really don’t wanna see her. I’ve told my husband that he needs to stand up for me and side with me. Well a few weeks ago a friend of his passed away and she texted him to let him know. She said “i know we have our differences but…” and he responded with “we don’t have any differences.”

So he’s just excusing her absolutely INSANE behavior towards me. Making it known that I’m the only one that has a problem with the way she acted. She made me feel completely unwelcome in the family… and I really don’t want to spend my holidays with her.

But my kids love their grandparents and would be sad if we didn’t go, so would my husband. So should I say we’re staying home, or should I say fuck this bitch and go and show out? If she talks to me about this it’s gonna be hard not to let her have it.

I’m super fucking pissed at my husband for saying there’s no differences… after she talked shit about me and our kids on social media, treated me horribly, and was a total bitch. He never ever stands up to his family, not even for himself. We’ve been in therapy for this and he’s promised me that he would have my back. If I knew he did I would be more likely to go, but I’m gonna feel like it’s me against them instead of our family against the family he came from.

What I posted over the summer:

Yall buckle up, the whole family is insane.

So over the last two years I’ve noticed changes in my mother in law. She used to be so sweet, loving and kind, and the first 5 years of our relationship I truly don’t have much to say about her that’s negative. She’s always been helpful and included us in the family from day one. Well two years ago, right around the time I had my second child, her first bio grandchild, she started changing. She started making snide comments to me about things that don’t matter, like my laundry and the messiness of my house. She berated me for taking my oldest son on an overnight solo trip for Christmas to spend one on one time with him after having a baby (this baby was ONE and being watched by his father). There’s so many more little petty things like this that have made me feel shitty over the last two years.

She has always told us she would be upset if we got a sitter and she’s retired and available. So I would ask her to watch my youngest son while my oldest was in school, so I could go to medical or dental appointments. She would say yes, and then the day comes and she doesn’t show up. So I started reminding her and she started saying I never asked her and that I wasn’t being considerate of her time expecting her to come at the “drop of a hat” when I asked her weeks ahead of time. I started telling my husband that I think she was suffering from dementia or Alzheimer’s. The forgetfulness, mood swings, change in personality, etc is all things I’ve seen in my great grandma who passed of dementia. I wasn’t sure if she was truly forgetting things, or if she was just doing it to ME. I wasn’t sure if she was treating everyone differently or just me because I had her bio grandchild now… I didnt know.

Well this summer I had to have emergency surgery. I was in a lot of pain and went to the ER. It turns out it was my gallbladder and it had to be removed. I was in the hospital for 4 days waiting for an OR to be available. My husband watched our kids the first day, and then they went with his parents so he could be at the hospital with me. I don’t have any family, they’ve all passed away, and this was my first time getting surgery and I was terrified. So she had the kids for 3 days. After my surgery I was unable to lift anything heavier than 10lbs for 2 weeks. I have a 40lb toddler and wasn’t able to lift him to get him into his crib, high chair, bathtub, change his diaper etc. So she offered all of us to stay there for the two weeks while I recovered. Reluctantly I said yes because I didn’t have a choice, but I knew it wasn’t going to end well. My husband was still in denial about his mom’s behavior and said “no she loves you and loves taking care of people! She’s gonna take great care of you.”

The first day was okay, it was like the old her. She set up a room for me in the house so I didn’t have to go up and down the steps, she made me feel welcomed. But as time went on her irritability and erratic behavior got worse, she was also drinking wine excessively. My husband was coming up every other night to spend the night with the kids and I because his parents live and hour and a half away from us. Well on the SECOND full day of us being there he came up. She drank nine glasses of wine that night and they were out on the back porch talking. I went outside to go sit with them but it was raining so I stayed on the screened in porch. His mom knew I was there, looked right at me, and proceeded to talk shit about me and my oldest son to my husband right in front of me. She called me a “lazy parent” because I try to practice gentle parenting. She said a bunch of other things, but pretty much just shit talked me and my 8 year old son to my partner. He didn’t say much back to her and came in to find me sobbing. Not only was I offended and hurt, I felt betrayed. I had to spend almost two more weeks here with a person who obviously doesn’t want us around. My husband was pissed too.

So he texted his dad, because his mom is not the type of person you can talk about ANY issue with. She immediately gets defensive and pissed off. He told his dad what happened and said that it was unacceptable and that she’s been treating me like shit for two years and he’s sick of it. Well, his dad says “I haven’t wanted to worry you guys but I’ve been worried about Alzheimer’s for the last two years. She’s forgotten entire vacations, she’s made up an argument with members of my family that never happened and now refuses to see them. She doesn’t want to leave the house, she talks shit about everyone all the time and she is not the woman I married.”

After TWO YEARS of me saying this to my husband and him trying to blow it off, someone FINALLY FELT the way I did. Someone saw the things I saw and it felt amazing to be validated. I started thinking, maybe she’s not just treating me like shit and this is a medical issue, if it truly is I want to get her help and be there for her. His dad said he’s been too scared to talk to her about it because of the way she is, but that he was going to speak to other members of the family and try to get them on board to get her help.

I stayed there for two more weeks, dealing with her being rude to me and my kids. She berated my oldest son for EVERYTHING he did. He has adhd and makes random noises.. he was doing that at the dinner table and she said that’s not how we behave at the table. So the next day he was completely silent, he didn’t make a noise and he was too scared to even talk.. so then she says “we make conversation at the dinner table! We don’t sit there in silence!!” So the next day he made conversation, normal conversation about science and birds etc. she cuts him off and says “Jesus Christ do you and husband ever get a word in edgewise at the dinner table?!!! It’s the (kids name) show!!!” He went to bed crying that night wondering what he did wrong.

She asked if his dinner was cold and he said “yeah but it’s okay! It still good!” Because he didn’t wanna piss her off. She still huffed and puffed and said SORRY I TRIED TO MAKE YOU ALL DINNER!!!! And stormed out of the house. She gave my son the silent treatment for the next day, and when I would talk about him she wouldn’t reply.

There’s so many other things I could list that happened over those two weeks, but pretty much we weren’t being treated the way we should have been and I was pissed. My husband was pissed too and finally saw what I’ve been dealing with for two years.

So after we left, my husband FIL started talking to members of the family. My husband talked to his aunt, her sister, who said she hadn’t noticed a change and she’s fine. My father in law talked to his daughter, my SIL and she said the same thing. But, we spend more time with her than both of them combined.. so we just felt sad that they didn’t agree but it didn’t change our opinion.

THIS IS WHERE SHIT GETS CRAZY!!!

Well, the day after my FIL talked to my SIL she texted us and asked if she could come up to visit. She lives 4 hours away and only comes up for Christmas usually, she’s only been to OUR house once in 7 years and that was for the birth of my second child. I KNEW something was fishy, but my husband was like “maybe she just misses us..”. She was texting off the wall shit like “can’t wait to see all the deep cleaning mom did to your house!!!” So I asked my husband, did she clean while I was in the hospital? And he said “no she didn’t even pick a towel up off the floor.” She did take our laundry to her house to wash while we were there which I did appreciate, but that’s it. His sister also said “I heard you’re healed up from surgery! Probably from all of the rest and relaxation you got from my mom!!” And just like listing out all of the “favors” she thinks she did for us. I thought it was weird and out of pocket, but we were still excited to see her.

She came up and drove 4 hours each way, she said she could only stay for an hour or two and had to get home to her dogs. Then she brought up “I talked to dad about your worries about mom and that is not what’s happening. That would be like me saying YOU have dementia… it’s hurtful and disrespectful.” She continued to try to talk us out of our opinions in a passive aggressive way for the rest of her visit. It didn’t change ours, and we were just sad that she was clearly SO defensive about this.

Well the next day I got on my Facebook for the first time in a few days and saw she left about 10 comments across my posts BEFORE her visit. If I would have seen this I would have definitely said something to her when she was here. She was commenting on all of my recent posts saying things like “you should feel grateful you have such a great grandma to help with your kids!!!” Or a post about my surgery saying “you healed up so well because you have a great mother in law who took care of you!!!” Or even commenting on a photo of my husband and baby in the pool saying “isn’t this the pool mom bought for (oldest son)?!” Like clearly it is…. We also had a trip to the beach planned before my surgery and the Airbnb was not refundable, so we decided to go. It was the last day of my two weeks there and tbh I was excited to go. She KNEW that her parents didn’t come with us, and she commented on photos from the beach saying things like “I’m sure mom and dad had such a great time at the beach!!!”

I was fucking pissed… but I just let it go and didn’t say a thing. The next weekend was my husband’s family reunion. The first day was a baseball game and we went, my son was injured at the stadium. That will come up later… the second day was hosted at his parent’s house and we went. My SIL didn’t come. I brought a desert I made, tried to help in the kitchen as much as I could and was putting those two weeks behind me with his mom. Well his cousin was there, that I’ve spent lots of time with over the last 7 years. She also has children around both of my kids ages. So I pulled her aside privately and asked if she’s noticed anything different about my MIL. I told her a couple things that happened while I was there, how she was talking shit about me and my son and how she was treating the kids. I also mentioned that my husbands sister was now cyber bullying me for these opinions. His cousin didn’t seem offended or upset in any way, she just said she hadn’t noticed anything but she hasn’t seen much of her lately. I left it at that. Well I guess his cousin told someone, maybe my SIL.

She goes absolutely APESHIT and loses her fucking mind. She’s texting us things like “I thought I made myself clear!!! This will not be talked about any further!! This is hurtful and disrespectful! Do I need to come up and talk to you guys again to make my self ABSOLUTELY CLEAR?! She HOSTED YOU GUYS! How dare you?!!” We decided to ignore her because who is she to tell us how to feel? What we can and cannot say?

So then she decides to harass me on the internet some more. She’s commented across 3 social media platforms, my business and personal accounts. Commenting on the post about my son getting hurt at the baseball game saying “this is the HUSBAND LAST NAME family reunion! You’re so lucky you have in laws who watch your kids all the time!!!!” And “and thanks to COUSINS LAST NAME family for watching your kids all the time!!!!” then “we are ALL waiting for your response about talking shit about people in the family who take care of your kids all the time!!! Leaving your kids with various family members to go do your makeup! The makeup is beautiful the behavior is not.”

So first off, the COUSINS family has never ever “watched my kids” they literally live 2 hours away from us. While we were staying with my MIL for the two weeks THEY invited my son to come spend the night to “spend time with his cousins” and I let him go. That’s the ONLY time they’ve ever “watched” any of my children. And my MIL does watch my kids for me yes, but she’s probably only watched them 10 times for the last year for a few hours and then the few days I was hospitalized. Since May of 2023 we’ve only asked her to watch them for me to go to the doctor or dentist. We haven’t had a “date night” since May 2023. I am a WFH mom and I am with my children 365 / 24 hours a day. Sorry I needed help while I had a medical emergency.

The part about the makeup is insane. So during my son’s FIRST BIRTHDAY party, I got super sweaty because I was outside setting up all of the decorations on my own. We had the party at my MIL house because if we have it by our house, his family doesn’t come because it’s “too far of a drive” so we had it there and ALL of my friends and family took the 1.5 hour drive. I KNEW my family would still come, so I decided to have it there so his would. I didn’t HAVE to have it there, I chose to so it would be easier for his family to be included. Well his mom offered to make the food, she loves cooking. I did everything else. I set up all of the decorations, and my makeup had sweat off, the foundation was pilling and I looked absolutely insane and blotchy. All of my guests who drove and hour and a half were about to be there, and I knew I was going to be in photos that my son will have for the rest of his life. So I said “I’m gonna go to the bathroom and fix my makeup real quick.” His mom said “must be nice!! I haven’t even gotten to SHOWER because I’ve been making the food!!!” so then I said “okay go shower, what needs to be done I can finish it.” She said “it’s all done now!!!” So I said okay… then go shower? I went into the bathroom and after they made me feel so shitty about taking time to make myself presentable, I just washed all of my makeup off and wore my sunglasses the entire party. I was in the bathroom for 5 mins. My husband was there watching my child, I’m sure he was running around interacting with people but I didn’t know that was considered “various family members watching your child”. His sister was not even there for this… because she never comes up for our children’s birthday parties. So that means that the family has been talking shit about me WASHING MY FUCKING FACE while my husband watched HIS CHILD for the last 16 months. SIXTEEN MONTHS LATER me washing my face is being brought up. What the actual fuck?

I blocked his sister on all social medias now, which I didn’t want to do because it’s the only way she sees her nephews since she never comes up, calls, texts or FaceTime. I literally bought her an Alexa for Christmas to FaceTime us and she’s never used it to call us in almost 3 years. She’s not involved in our lives, and the way she’s talking about how much of a burden it is for people to SPEND TIME with my children, I guess she doesn’t want to be. To leave those comments on a post of your nephew with blood coming out of his eye is absolutely heartless and insane to me. What if someone told my oldest son about them?

So me, being worried for my MIL who is a big part of our lives and talking to ONE family member about it in private is absolutely HORRIBLE of me and I should “be ashamed of myself”. But her literally talking shit about ME AND MY KIDS publicly in front of ALL of my friends, family, colleagues, parents from my son’s school etc is okay? It just proves that she doesn’t think we are equals in any way. She’s a 40 year old woman cyber bullying the mother of her nephews on the internet. She’s acting like we should just be so grateful that people who are so much better than us want us in their lives and we should accept any way they treat us…

His sister is absolutely off of her fucking rocker. I haven’t responded to any of her messages or comments and it’s pissing her off SO MUCH that I’m not bowing down to her that she’s cyber bullying me. This is the FIRST time in 7 years that I’ve ever expressed any type of opinion or emotion towards anyone in the family. My husband also hasn’t said anything to his sister or mom because he’s so afraid of them, but he has talked to his dad and told him what’s going on and that all of this is unacceptable.

Her actions have just proven that I was right all along, they have been talking shit about us, they are judgmental of me, they’re bringing up shit from a year ago that was literally nothing. All this has done has shown my husband exactly what I’ve been dealing with for the last 2 years, clear as day.

For his mom to treat us the way that she did while I was in the most vulnerable state I’ve ever been in, literally unable to care for my child properly, unable to go home if I wanted to, I didn’t even have my car because it was also in the shop… felt like an incredible betrayal. I needed love, support, patience and understanding and my children and I were met with anger, irritability and judgement. I knew it wasn’t going to be sunshine and rainbows the whole time, but I never imagined that it would be as uncomfortable and hurtful as it was. The entire time I was made to feel like a burden, my children made to feel like burdens. Both of my parents and all of my grandparents have passed. My “family” is my great aunt, her children and grandchildren. I don’t have a family anymore, and was so excited to finally have one when I met my husband. The first 5 years were great, I felt like a part of a family and I felt loved. Over the last two years I have not… and to be honest it’s been incredibly heartbreaking. I’m angry but most of all I’m fucking heartbroken.

So to then go from two of the hardest weeks of my life being treated like that by his mom, and staying silent the entire time… I come home and his sister is continuing to treat me like shit… but cranked all the way up to level fucking ten. I didn’t do anything to deserve any of this.. so much so that the only thing they have to talk shit about is me WASHING MY FUCKING FACE.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m going to continue to ignore and block his sister.. but I’m not sure about my mother in law. I am assuming that his sister said something to her, even though the reason she was so mad at me for talking to the cousin was because “if it got back to her that we thought she has dementia she’d be devastated” because she hasn’t talked to me. She has never not wished my son a good first day of school, she was an educator for 30 years. And yesterday she did not. Also every year there’s a group chat where all the moms send photos of the back to school outfits… I did not get that group chat.

I love my mother in law, I truly do. That is why we are so worried about her. The behavior she’s had over the last few years is not like her, and to be honest not the type of MIL or grandma I think she would want to be. To see a loved one change so drastically is incredibly scary. She’s a MAJOR part of our lives, our only village, only member of the family that even checks on our kids or shows interest in spending time with them. We love her, that’s why we are worried. It’s easy to just write her off and not see her anymore, that isn’t what we want to do. We want to figure out what’s going on with her and get her help. But my SIL is saying that we are crazy and nothing is wrong… and seems to be getting the rest of the family “on her side”.

She doesn’t have children, she doesn’t have a say in the worries we have for our children. As adults we can deal with anger outbursts, forgetfulness and drinking… but I don’t want my kids dealing with that. By the time we left after those two weeks my oldest son was so defeated because he had been put down for two weeks straight. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not an angel. He has adhd and his hyper. But that doesn’t mean he deserves to be screamed at, stormed out on and given the silent treatment. My MIL was an educator for many years who worked with kids with adhd.. she USED to be patient, loving and understanding. She was all about “teachable moments”, now she’s just about getting angry and ignoring him. My sister in law said “she was probably just trying to turn everything into a teachable moment because she’s worried about SON”… in the past, yes. But I don’t think saying JESUS CHRIST! And storming out on a literal child and then giving the silent treatment is teaching anyone anything. I don’t care what he did, he didn’t deserve that.. and definitely not for saying his food was cold when ASKED.

If you read all of this, thank you. I really just needed to vent and get it all out of me. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I think the words that have been said and the fact that I wasn’t in the family group chat this year shows that they don’t give a fuck about me. I wish we could just talk to my MIL about this but the culture of this family is shut up, don’t say anything remotely negative about anyone in the family even if they’re making you feel like shit. I hope my father in law will step up and talk to het about it and take the steps to get her the help that she needs.