I’m blaming my husband for my miscarriage.

Possible TW:

My husband and I have had a very toxic relationship. His past history of cheating and my past history of forgiving has just became a regular cycle in our marriage. I can’t think of one whole month out of 5 years that nothing came up and we just lived a normal happy marriage. Last February he cheated and I found out by him calling the health department on his call log online. I ended up tricking him into telling me what was going on because I told him a girl at the office called me personally and told me he went and got tested. He ended up having 2 treatable stds. I moved out, left him alone for nearly 10 months before him coming back into my life apologizing, being more opened, and trying to make our marriage work. The first few months were rocky, as we were trying to figure out everything. Next thing I knew It’s march and I’m taking pregnancy tests after taking a plan b. It’s positive and we are both okay with it. We never thought another baby could fix our marriage or even keep us together. We just kind of thought this baby was a sign to try to forgive, change, and move forward. Mother’s Day was completely dreamy. My husband loved on me, nothing felt forced. We just really enjoyed time with one another and the whole week or so before that we were finally getting it all worked out. We went to the doctor may 9th for a regular baby doctor check up. The doctors noticed I had a kidney infection. Then went to pretty much pressure me into a Pap smear. Especially since i am having some random cramps and spotting. but I ended up getting the pap smear. When we walked out of the hospital my husband asked a few normal questions about the metal contraption they put inside me. I just responded with a giggle and said “it hurts, &they do a swab on your cervix to check for everything.” He kind of stayed a little quite and was like “oh okay.” This wasn’t a red flag or caught my attention. A few days later I got a text in the morning. (we still don’t live together.) he was telling me how he messed up a few weeks ago, he wouldn’t tell me any details other than he wore a condom with her but before that he gotten oral. I just honestly don’t believe that because I feel like he wouldn’t have told me at all if he knew he was safe, and that my test results would come back normal. A day later my results came back and my husband ended up giving me trich. I looked up the medication and seen it’s not safe for pregnancy (I was about 15 weeks along) but my doctor told me that not treating it can cause issues as well. Everytime I took this medication my stomach would cramp up. I figured it was just because the medication was strong and working. I mentioned it to my husband but I didn’t see a reason to call my doctor and mention it to them, which I regret. Yesterday morning I woke up to a small amount of blood and cramping again. I just got to 18 weeks. Called my doctor and they said to come in. I messaged my husband (we are currently not together, have been arguing.) I told him I was omw to the doctor for cramps and bleeding. He didn’t respond. Then I texted him back a while after and told him no heartbeat on the Doppler we are waiting for ultrasound. He responded with “if you lost him it would suck but maybe it’s for the best.” Then I told “I lost the baby.” After confirmation from the ultrasound. The doctor couldn’t give me an exact date but said it was about a month ago which was the same time I took that medication. I then had contractions, my water broke and went into surgery updating my husband and coming out of surgery with him never texting me, calling me or even showing up. I had my best friend and mother with me through it all. I’m at a loss of words. I lost my baby, and now trying to come to terms and realization I have to file for divorce now because I couldn’t never forgive him. My baby had NIPT testing. No genetic abnormalities were present. My baby had a name and was wanted. I can’t help but to blame my husband now. The constant stress, the medication, and then to not be there when I needed his comfort as the father of the baby. I am sorry if this rambles on and hardly makes sense. I just needed to let it out. I don’t think I would ever tell him that I blame him.