im_throwingthis_away

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Madison Howard

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im_throwingthis_away

2025-03-29 13:33:58

Everything is a big deal to me and it’s putting so much tension on my relationship.

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I was struggling a lot with this too and I was diagnosed around the same time. I've been studying my autism, working through things, really doing well but that rejection sensitivity, my demand avoidance, all of that stuff was worse than ever. Still is technically because it's all fresh. But this week I realized I was pretty darn abused my entire childhood. I'm dealing with religious trauma and blaming it on autism. I'm a product of Focus on the Family and that's where most of these issues are coming from I think.

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Autism is absolutely not my only hurdle— I was raised by a mother who birthed me to make me exactly like her. She plastered unattainable standards onto my life and it was my fault when I couldn’t meet them. I was also raised rigidly Catholic, being told my life and decisions mattered only if I was “good” and “right” in more unattainable ways, and it was also my fault when I couldn’t be those things. There’s a lot at play here… the autism is the most recent, so I try to examine that first.

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I hear that. It felt like I was completely overwhelmed by some weather event like a hurricane or flood. All I could do was grab on to something solid and hold it with all my strength.

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I really like that metaphor. I think I’m just super prone to over-validating my feelings because I don’t want to be taken advantage of, tricked, or manipulated. I feel like if I let the weather pass without saying anything, that means I’m denying myself something that feels real to me. I hope that is sensical.

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